It happened on the way to the inn
by Pen52
Summary: In which a Bhaalspawn currently under a feeblemind spell encounters the most handsome man ever to walk the face of Toril. Or not. UPDATED! An Edwin centric chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**It happened on the way to the inn**

**Chapter 1 **

**(In which a Bhaalspawn currently under a 'Feeblemind' spell encounters the most handsome man ever to walk the face of Toril. Or not.) **

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Subtitle: **

"Where's Jaheira with that 'Dispel magic' when you _really_ need it?"

**The party:**

Raesa (the PC), Anomen, Sarevok, Imoen, Jaheira, Edwin, Minsc and Boo

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**Standard Disclaimer:**

**- A group of weary adventurers make their way towards the Saradush inn, blissfully unaware of the fact that their commander and chief had taken a severe blow to the head in addition to a Feeblemind spell in the course of their previous battle, thus making her not responsible for her actions for the next half hour. Or more. -**

**Thank you.**

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**Raesa**: _(gapes rather stupidly at the rapidly closing fireball)_ Oh… Look at all the pretty colors.

**Jaheira**: Oh, do come along, child! (_drags her along forcibly_) I have neither the time nor patience for your ill-timed attempts at humor.

**Imoen**: _(grumbles) _That's because you _have_ no sense of humor.

**Jaheira**: What did you say?

**Imoen:** _(smiles brightly)_ Nothing! Just admiring the scenery. _(ducks another fireball)_

**Edwin**: Useless simians, the bunch of them. (Why do I degrade my splendid persona by traveling with these idiots? It is not as though they have anything of value to contribute.) _(sees Imoen staring meaningfully at his hands)_ What? Avert your eyes girl. Nothing to see here. _(resumes counting gold coins and translates the amount into an the exact purchasable number of gasping concubines, his all time favorite currency) _

**Imoen**: Aw…That's right Eddie, you're the **_man_**. We all bow before your superior intellect. -**cough**-_Nether scroll_-**cough**- And your perfect command of the arcane should also be commended.

**Edwin**: _(eyes Imoen suspiciously_) What was that girl? (Who told her?)

**Imoen**: I'm just complimenting you, oh great archmage. -**cough-**_Edwina-_**cough-**

**Minsc**: Ah, yes. Minsc and Boo remember fair Edwina well, little Imoen. _(pets the rodent perched on his shoulder)_ Don't we, Boo?

**Boo**: _Squeak!_

**Minsc**: Yes, Boo just reminded Minsc this was before we rescued little Imoen from the clutches of the most evil of all evil wizards. The lady Edwina was our stalwart…Eh…what does that word mean, Boo? _(he consults briefly with the rodent before continuing)_ Yes, our stalwart companion and a good witch, just like our fair departed Dynaheir. Minsc and Boo were her valiant protectors.

**Edwin**: _(Edwin's eyes bulge and he starts sputtering)_ What?

**Minsc**: _(ignores him)_ What glorious times we had! Many an evil behind was thoroughly kicked, and fun was had by all! Ha, ha! Well, except for the evildoers, but Boo says that is beside the point. Ah, I tell you, lady Edwina had eyes for Minsc, and Minsc had eyes for her. In time, perhaps they could have been more then just mere companions.

**Edwin**: _(lacks words to adequately describe the sheer depth of his horror)_

**Anomen: **_(grins broadly) _Ah, the fair lady Edwina. I once asked for her favor myself, but was most cruelly refused. Aye Minsc, her heart surely belonged to you from the very start. This is no doubt why she rebuffed all my advances.

**Edwin**: (Note to self. Kill idiot knight with personally modified Abi-Dalzim's Horrid Wilting. From the bottom up. Slowly.)

**Minsc**: _(glares at the wizard's interruption_) _But_, one sad day, after Minsc and his mighty butt-kicking friend Raesa won a great battle against a slightly less evil wizard, the fair Edwina vanished, never to return. _(he bows his head sadly)_

**Imoen**: _(pats his arm reassuringly)_ There, there, big guy. I'm sure she's never truly far away. Not really. _(she snickers and pokes her tongue at Edwin_) In spirit, that is.

**Minsc**: Minsc and Boo thank you, little Imoen. You are very smart, and Minsc is sure you are right. Though, there is one thing that Minsc does not understand. Perhaps the ambiguously evil wizard could explain?

**Edwin**: Yeesss. What is it that you wish, you overgrown Rashameni chimpanzee? (Only without the hair. The intelligence level is about the same. No. I stand corrected; that would not be a fair comparison. To the chimpanzee.)

**Minsc**: When the slightly less evil wizard was defeated, Edwin returned. But he wore fair Edwina's clothes. How is this possible?

**Jaheira**: Do not concern yourself, Minsc. What Edwin gets up to in his spare time is none of our business. Indeed, I for one, do not wish to know.

**Edwin**: _(sputtering)_ Why you… (One day. One day.) Now, where was I? _(resumes his counting)_ Bah! The simians made me loose count. (From the beginning. One, two, three…)

**Sarevok**: _(shakes his head)_ Raesa, how you managed to stay alive, let alone come inches within grasping your birthright with companions such as _these_, must be one of the great mysteries of this Age. It is as though I am traveling in the company of the permanently feebleminded.

**Raesa**: Uh… there go the pretty colors again.

**Sarevok**: As I said. Feebleminded. _(gives her an odd look)_

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**-The band of weary adventurers enters the Saradush inn, looking for rest and nourishment-**

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**Imoen**: Oh! Look, Edwin. Concubines! _(she points to the far corner of the inn)_

**Edwin**: _(perks up)_ Concubines? Where? (Let the bargaining begin!)

**Imoen**: _(snickers)_

**Jaheira**: Honestly, man, you should know better by now.

**Mincs**: _(looks confused)_ What are these _c o n c u b i n e s_, Boo? _(listens)_ Oh… _Oh_! Evil wizard, Boo says you should not take advantage of innocent young girls in this way. Or Minsc will give you such a butt-kicking your backside will be forever marked by the mighty imprints of justice!

**Edwin**: Simians. I am surrounded by simians!

**Sarevok**: For once wizard, I agree with you.

**Anomen**: My lady, do you wish to retire for the night? You look…odd.

**Raesa**: _(frowning)_ What? _(quietly)_ Who are these people? _(looks at Anomen who is currently eyeing her concernedly)_ He looks familiar.

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**-In this moment, a barmaid hits an elf squarely in the jaw. He hits the ground with a resounding thud.-**

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**The unknown elf**: So, that's a definite 'no' then?

**Raesa**: _(some of her confusion clears)_ You look familiar, too. _(thinks)_ Salvanas? _(her features are brightened by a happy smile as the feeblemind spell works it's strange and horrifying effect on the unsuspecting Bhaalspawn; children, do not try this at home)_ Salvanas! Darling!

**The party**: _(in unison)_ _Darling_?

**Boo**: _Squeak!_

**To be continued...**

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Next time:

**Chapter 2**

**(In which Edwin fails to learn that not all concubines are gasping concubines and Raesa attempts to woo a suddenly reluctant Salvanas. Much hilarity ensues, and Minsc becomes confused in regards to his gradation of the evilness of wizards. The feeblemind spell shows no sign of wearing off. Sarevok wonders if he should have remained a disembodied entity.) **

Author's note: Feel free to leave a review if you liked this; it will likely serve as an incentive to write the second part faster.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**(In which Edwin fails to learn that not all concubines are gasping concubines, and Raesa attempts to woo a suddenly reluctant Salvanas. Much hilarity ensues, and Minsc becomes confused in regards to his gradation of the evilness of wizards. The Feeblemind spell shows no sign of wearing off. Sarevok wonders if he should have remained a disembodied entity.) **

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Subtitle: **

"Why you should always cast '_Resist magic_' on yourself before going of into battle."

Standard disclaimer:

_Edwin voiceover:_

_-While generally not as satisfying as its more destructive counterparts, the Feeblemind spell is indeed a weapon of terrible potency and its effects should not be easily discounted. Not only does one's intellect shrink to near Minscian dimensions under its influence, but, far more sinisterly, vivid hallucinations are commonly reported to occur, lasting for the duration of the spell. These imaginings would usually be the hapless victim's worst nightmare come to life. Even death has been known to occur; the cause later diagnosed to be 'acute stupidity'.-_

**Thank you.**

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-Our merry band of hopelessly confused adventurers watches in horrified fascination as their illustrious leader throws herself at the previously unknown elf, now revealed to be none other then Salvanas, conqueror of women, known throughout Faerun for his skill at love. Roll drums. The full meaning of the expression '_ignorance is bliss_' dawns on the party. The disturbing turn of events has even Boo baffled. Minsc, in turn, is delighted at the reappearance of '_the nice elf'_.- ****

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**Jaheira: **_(looks at Raesa) _What has brought this on? Have we not agreed this is not the time for these childish indulgences? I swear, you have the attention span of a five year old. _(shakes head disapprovingly)_

**Minsc: **Look, Boo! It is the nice elf again. Wave to the nice elf, Boo!

**Boo**: _(doesn't dignify Minsc's ramblings with an answer)_

**Raesa: **_(positively beaming with unnatural joy)_ Salvanas, my love, where have you been all this time? I have missed you so.

**Salvanas**: _(looks around hurriedly, eyes wide)_ Are you talking to me? Err… of course you are. Who else could you be talking to? I have missed you terribly as well, my dear… err… Celia? _(tries again at Raesa's frown)_ Gwen? _(pales while her previous expression of joy dims gradually and then quickly transforms into a raging scowl)_ Err…Maria? _(now in a desperate tone of voice)_ Kayla?

**Raesa**: _(growls)_ Who are all these wenches!

**Anomen**: _(finally manages to find his voice)_ Raesa, what…

**Salvanas**: _(breathes a sigh of relief and cuts in)_ Raesa! Yes, that is what I meant to say in no uncertain terms. My darling _Raesa_. Forgive me my sweet, but the sudden sight of your divine face has had the delightful side affect of causing all thought to flee from my head.

**Imoen**: _(mutters) _What thought?

**Raesa**: _(considers)_ If you're lying…

**Salvanas**: _(continues hurriedly)_ I assure you, my mind is now, as ever, a complete blank. _(the party rolls eyes at Salvanas)_ When I gaze upon you, I have but one thought; the maddening desire to caress you once more!

**The party:** (_reaction can only be described as: 'Yuck!_' _All then turn to Raesa, expecting her to pummel the idiot elf into next Tuesday)_

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- Sadly, this does not happen -****

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**Sarevok**: Once more? _(looks at Raesa in confusion)_ Please tell me that **_this_** is not one of your previous lovers. My opinion of you is low enough as it is.

**Raesa**: _(blushes, oblivious to the world)_ Oh, Salvanas, you have such a way with words.

**Salvanas**: I do? Err… yes, I am aware of this.

**Jaheira**: _(sighs)_ Child, I know you mean it in jest, but you should not bait the idiot so. Even the lowest of nature's creatures should be treated with a modicum of sympathy. Do not further his delusions.

**Imoen**: Yeah. Come on, sis, enough is enough. You know I'm all for a good joke, but you're starting to creep me out, here.

**Edwin**: Bah! I am not wasting my time on these insipid simian mating rituals. There are far better things to occupy my superior intellect with. I am off to study my spells. Be warned! I have a fireball ready for anyone who dares disturb my highly intellectual pursuits. (Curses! Where are the concubines? They must be somewhere around here.) _(leaves to speak with the innkeeper, gold coins clinking with every step)_

**Raesa: **_(suddenly rushes forward and envelops Salvanas in a passionate embrace)_

**Anomen and Jaheira**: My lady/ Raesa! _(a stunned silence follows)_

**Salvanas:** _(baffled) _Is this really happening? _(pinches himself)_ Ouch!

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-Meanwhile, in the world of Minsc- ****

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**Minsc:** _(completely oblivious to his companions' growing horror)_ It does Minsc's heart good to see the nice elf and little Raesa become such fast friends. I did not understand why Raesa butt-kicked the nice elf before. All he did was kiss her hand! Boo always tells me this is what a gently… gentle… _(hurriedly consults with the hamster) _Ah yes; something a - _g e n t l e m a n_ - does. There is nothing wrong with being a gentle man, I tell you! Minsc is a gentle man; the kind of gentle that crushes evil foes into chunky little foe bits and strikes fear into the cowardly hearts of evildoers everywhere!

**Sarevok**: _(without averting his eyes from the hideous sight before him)_ And to think this is the party that orchestrated my downfall. _(shakes head)_ I am deeply shamed.

**Minsc**: _(sighs contentedly, ignoring Sarevok, then stops and thinks back a moment, frowning)_ Imoen, Minsc is confused. Before Raesa butt-kicked the nice elf, he had also said some very strange words Minsc did not understand, but Boo said the words are used to describe things that happen between men and women. Right, Boo?

**Boo**: _(does the hamster version of a groan)_

**Imoen**: _(glances away from Raesa and Salvanas, gagging, grateful for the momentary distraction) _Ah, Minsc… I think this subject is best left unexplored.

**Minsc**: But, little Imoen, why would the mention of things that happen between men and women call for the steely boot of justice to be administered? Minsc speaks of these things all the time, and no one butt-kicks Minsc. How can this be?

**Imoen**: _(surprised and vaguely disturbed)_ You… you do?

**Minsc**: Of course. Did you not hear Boo and I speak of training with little Raesa before? We have done this many a time. We tell her how to hold a sword, how to avoid a blow. Did you not hear Jaheira scold Minsc after he accidentally dropped her supply of herbs into the stream? Minsc searched the banks all night before he found her pouch. After the herbs dried by the fire, Jaheira smiled at Minsc, and Boo told him he had been forgiven. All was well once more, and Minsc was glad. And what of little Imoen? Did Minsc not show you how to read animal tracks in the wild? _(he looks to be confused) _Are these not the things that happen between men and women?

**Imoen**: _(with a shaky smile)_ Yes, Minsc, they are. The best kind. _(gives him a hug)_ Thank you.

**Minsc**: For what, little Imoen?

**Imoen**: Just for being you, you big lug. _(pets Boo)_

**Boo**: _(proudly_) Squeak!

**Minsc**: Eh…Again with the philosophical. Minsc is Minsc, is Minsc. Who else could he be? _(turns to his rodent_) Boo?

**Boo**: _(gives a rather resigned hamster version of a shrug and explains)_

**Minsc**: Ah…I understand now. Where would Minsc be without his Boo? _(takes some nuts from his pack and feeds them to the chubby hamster)_

**Boo**: _(in between bites)_ Squeak! _(Translates as an old miniature giant space hamster proverb: "A hungry hamster is a cranky hamster")_

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-Back in the day to day world, Raesa reunites with her long lost love. Salvanas cannot believe somebody actually wants him. Anomen and Jaheira are at the end of their wits, and Sarevok fondly reflect on the time spent in the Abyss. Truly, by comparison, the Blood War gains appeal. Hmm… Perhaps the Tanari are still accepting new recruits?-

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**Anomen:** _(drags the idiot -pardon me- Raesa away from Salvanas)_ My lady, clearly, you are under some unknown influence. I must restrain you for your own good.

**Raesa**: Hey! Get off! _(struggles)_

**Jaheira**: _(helps Anomen tie her to a nearby chair)_ You will thank us for this later, child. _(looks at Salvanas and shudders)_ Thankfully, we are here to ensure nothing… unnatural... happens until whatever caused this strange behavior wears off.

**Salvanas**: But…This isn't fair! _(wails)_ She wants me! Do you have any idea how rare that is? _(his eyes widen as he realizes his blunder and he backpedals desperately)_ Err… what I mean to say is, Salvanas is constantly chased by hordes of willing women. Naturally, Kayla…I mean Raesa, cannot resist my considerable charms.

**Anomen**: _(advances on Salvanas threateningly)_ Careful what you say about my lady or I will personally remove your forked tongue from your mouth. For all we know, you worked some foul enchantment on her, so she would fall prey to your disgusting desires.

**Sarevok**: Indeed. Even by this party's standards, this is most strange. _(points a sharp looking sword at Salvanas)_ What have you to say for yourself, fool?

**Salvanas**: Wait! _(cowers)_ Let's not do anything rash…

**Jaheira**: (_interrupts him with a thoughtful look on her face_) Were you not in Athatla when the city was sacked? And now you happen to end up yet in another city under siege by a Bhaalspawn army? Were you any other, I would think you spying on us. (_regards Salvanas disdainfully, who tries to strike up a dignified pose and fails miserably_)

**Sarevok**: _(dryly)_ Clearly, that cannot be the case here.

**Raesa**: (_concerned_) Darling! You were in danger? How did you escape?

**Salvanas**: _(recovering_) Err… need you ask my dear? Can you not recognize the intricate workings of fate? It was truly the will of the gods that we find each other amidst the darkness of this place. Let us defy the fates no longer!

**Raesa**: _(gushes)_ Yes! Yes! I accept! _(she cries happily)_

**Salvanas**: _(blinks)_ Err…Accept what, my sweet?

**Raesa**: _(drops her eyes coyly_) Your marriage proposal, silly. You said it yourself, it was the will of the gods that we find each other, here. Who are we to defy the gods?

**Salvanas:** _(shouts)_ Marriage! _(starts sweating profusely)_ Perhaps I was hasty. _(desperately)_ Truly, the gods must have other, more pressing concerns… _(glances around, looking, for all intents and purposes, like a trapped animal)_

**Anomen and Jaheira**: _(groan in unison)_

**Sarevok**: Which one of the Nine Hells is this?

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- Edwin's valiant quest is rudely interrupted by an encounter with a terrified commoner, before even a single concubine could be found. Saradush is under attack from within. Since there seem to be no concubines what so ever involved, Edwin couldn't care less. -

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**Peltje:** _(grabs his arm)_ I'm not insane! I'm not!

**Edwin**: _(shakes off the irritating commoner)_ Out of my way peasant! (Why must I suffer such indignities?) _(notices the lack of movement on the part of the smelly peasant)_ Out of my way I say, before I reduce you to a smoking pile of charcoal with my superior magic. (Oh, why can't the lower classes just do as they are told?)

**Peltje**: _(rambling)_ Nobody believes me. Why would they? After all that's been going around in Saradush, why think about the fact that there are monsters amongst us, preying on us?

**Edwin:** Uneducated lout! Edwin Odesseiron cannot be troubled by such insignificant concerns. (Why do I bother speaking to these lower life forms? They are obviously too far down the evolutionary ladder to even be considered sentient. Truly, it is a small miracle even the basest of commands can register in their limited cerebrum.) _(frowns thoughtfully)_ Wait… (Minions have no need of higher brain functions…)

**Peltje**: What? _(sighs)_ You're right. I'm babbling, aren't I? It's just that I know they are searching for me… _(the commoner goes on with his insignificant story, unaware of Edwin's inner conundrum)_

**Edwin**: (Hmm…. Truly, a wizard of my station and power should not be bothered by simple day to day matters. Minions at my beck and call, doing my bidding…. Yeess. The idea has merit. But how would I communicate my whishes to the simians?) _(stops to think)_ (Simple grunting? Sign language? A combination of the two?)

**Peltje**: _(still speaking)_ The courtesans… some of them, anyway… they started disappearing after the siege began…

**Edwin**: (Hmm... perhaps construct a base language for the baboons to use? It should not take long, my superior intellect…) _(freezes_ Wait. _(lowers himself to looking at the peasant directly)_ Did you say 'concubines'? (Please, let it be true!)

**Peltje**: _(confused)_ Courtesans, actualy. Yes, but…

**Edwin**: Yes! (Wenches, here comes Edwin Odesseiron!) Where are the young lovelies?

**Peltje**: _(hesitates)_ You're not listening. There are monsters in the…

**Edwin**: _(interrupts him)_ Silence! (Clearly, the cretin is of a more limited intellectual capacity then even I imagined. I must attempt to communicate on his level.) _(clears throat)_ You there, monkey boy! Snap to it and concentrate! There is only one thing I wish to know. Answer this, and there's a banana in it for you. _(speaks with extreme care)_ W h e r e - a r e - t h e - c o n c u b i n e s ? (Gah! I must remember to kill the smelly peasant for this indignity later.)

**Peltje**: _(his eyes narrow)_ N o t - h e r e. _(gulps and corrects himself at the wizard's angry scowl)_ Not now. But they will be tonight! _(points to the far corner of the inn)_

**Edwin:** Tonight! _(rubs hands excitedly)_ Away with you, simian. I have pressing matters to attend to. Count yourself as fortunate I have no time now to waste on such as you. (I must begin grooming myself. Yes, it always pays to look one's best.) _(makes his way towards the baths, skipping merrily along the way)_

**Peltje**: _(yells after him)_ But they're vampires! _(a beat passes, and then the commoner shrugs and runs away)_

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****-Minsc, having overheard parts of the conversation, is faced with a moral conundrum of epic scope. Unfortunately, Boo is taking a nap and is thus unavailable for comment.- ****

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**Minsc:** Oh Boo, should Minsc help Edwin? Are these vampires more evil then the evil wizard? Boo?

**Boo**: Zzzzzzz…

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Next time:

**Chapter 3**

**(In which we see the internal struggle of Raesa, who battles her feebleminded evil twin in the recesses of her mind. Sadly, she can do no other, but watch, helplessly, as the fiendishly insipid twin gushes endlessly over her engagement to Salvanas. Anomen and Jaheira decide on a desperate course of action. Minsc and Boo engage in a battle of wits, and Edwin gets more then he bargained for with his bath. Imoen's prank backfires in an unexpected way.) **

Guest appearance by: Lillacor the truly _Non-_sentient, Talking Sword

**Subtitle: **

"Yeeaaahhh! Got 'em good!"

Author's note: 

Again, feel free to comment on any aspect of the story. Let me know if anyone is behaving out of character, point out flaws in the story…anything that comes to mind. For now, I'm having entirely too much fun with this. Remember, reviews fuel the imagination.

Sorry about the mush (in the Minsc and Imoen exchange), couldn't help it. I just love the big lug.

Thank you **_Kendris_ **and **_Jessi D_** for the reviews. They were much appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**(In which we see the internal struggle of Raesa, who battles her feebleminded twin in the recesses of her mind. Sadly, she can do no other, but watch, helplessly, as the insipid fiend gushes endlessly over her engagement to Salvanas. Anomen and Jaheira decide on a desperate course of action. Minsc and Boo engage in a battle of wits, and Edwin gets more then he bargained for with his bath. Imoen's prank backfires in an unexpected way.) **

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Subtitle:

"Yeeaaahhh! Got 'em good!"

Guest appearance by: Lilracor the truly _Non-_sentient, Talking Sword

**Standard disclaimer:**

_Elminister voiceover:_

_In all my long years of studying magic, and its influence on those of lesser mind, I have never encountered a more sinister effect then the one produced by **two** feeblemind spells, cast on an unwitting recipient, in rapid succession. To my lasting regret, I have seen once valiant, honorable men and women fall victim to its influence, and the memory of this horror remains with me to this day. Pray mortal, pray long and hard that you never fall victim to such an unfortunate circumstance…_

**Thank you.**

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- Anomen and Jaheira helplessly watch Raesa flutter her eyelashes at her extremely unwilling fiancé, for what has got to be the umpteenth time. Salvanas gulps audibly - the party perks up - running away in horror seems imminent. Visions of impending married life flash before his very eyes. At the thought, early _rigor mortis_ sets in and, alas, running is no longer a viable option. Collapsing in a dead faint, however, seems likely. - ****

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**Sarevok: **_(eyeing Raesa thoughtfully) _So, now that we have successfully bound **_and_** gagged our inane leader, what course of action do you suggest we take, druid? _(smirks)_ Or do you take this to be an improvement of her general disposition?

**Jaheira**: _(gives him a disdainful look)_ All things in nature coexist in balance. So, one of us was bound to find some amusement in the situation. It is hardly surprising that **_you_** would use Raesa's current misfortune as an opportunity to gloat.

**Anomen**: _(snorts)_ Indeed. Why my lady drags him along is beyond my comprehension. He is obviously not to be trusted.

**Salvanas: **_(edging away from the party_) Clearly, you have many pressing matters to attend to… (_none seem to notice_)

**Sarevok**: _(pointedly ignores the knight)_ You misunderstand, druid. I am merely wondering as to when you are planning on noticing the blatantly obvious. Or have you been mysteriously struck blind, deaf and dumb as well?

**Anomen**: _(angry_) I would thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head when conversing with a lady.

**Jaheira**: _(scoffs)_ And **_I_** would thank you not to attempt to coddle me, Anomen. I have been fending for myself since before your mother bore you. I do not need a Helmite wet nurse.

**Salvanas: **_(the door is nearly within his reach_) I'll just take my leave, then… (_the thought of the old ball and chain gives him courage, or what passes for it in his case, to move his shaky legs in the general direction of the exit_)

**Anomen**: _(hurriedly_) I assure you, lady Jaheira, no insult was intended on my part. _(addresses Sarevok again_) Tell me, what would this _blatantly obvious_ course of action be then, foul creature? Not that your opinion means much to me, one way, or the other.

**Sarevok**: Do not anger me, priest. One day, your incessant posturing will no doubt earn you four feet of solid steal right through the gut. _(smiles with satisfaction as he sees Anomen tense)_ The only reason why that day is not today is because I think my '_sister_' would frown on it. _(glances her way)_ Were she in her right mind, that is.

**Anomen**: _(bristles and clutches at his mace_) You can try, abomination.

**Salvanas: **_(decides it's now or never_) At last! Freedom! (_makes for the door in an unexpected burst of speed)_

**Anomen, Jaheira and Sarevok: **(_growl simultaneously_) Do not dare move, cretin!

**Salvanas: **(_his already wobbly legs give out, and he_ _clutches at his chest_) Aaaah! (_tries to slow his breathing down to a semi-normal rate_) I'll just… sit down then. (_slides down on to the floor in a spineless heap_)

**Jaheira**: Where were we? _(shakes head, despairing_) Silvanus help me, I am traveling with infants! Infants, who have been dropped on the head one time too many. I will not tolerate such foolish behavior! Not with Raesa in dire straits. _(points at the bound woman)_ Just look at her, you fools! _(Sarevok and Anomen turn to take in Raesa's current condition) _

**Raesa: **_(lovingly ogling a petrified Salvanas)_ Mmmm… _(continues making undistinguishable noises through her gag, presumably endearments of some sort)_

**Anomen and Sarevok:**_ (are once again suitably disturbed)_

**Sarevok**: _(disgusted)_ Bah! Why don't you cast 'Dispel magic' on her and be done with it? She is obviously under some sort of enchantment, and I don't know how much more of this display I can take before becoming sick to my stomach.

**Jaheira**: Do not take me for a fool, Anchev! Of course I have thought of this. Both Anomen and I tried to dispel whatever enchantment she's under nearly an hour ago. (_gives him a pointed look_) While you were…otherwise occupied.

**Sarevok**: _(curtly_) What I do in my spare time, is none of your concern, druid.

**Jaheira**: This is something we can agree on. (_stares him down_) However, I am merely answering your question. We have attempted this before.

**Anomen**: _(worried, he nods_) To little effect, as you can see. I am at a loss what to do next. (_frowning_) Perhaps it would be best to simply wait for it to wear off on its own?

**Jaheira**: _(concerned, looking at Raesa_) There is little else to be done at this point. _(thinks a moment)_ Unless… _(looks down, deep in thought, and examines Salvanas)_

**Salvanas**: _(pales, feeling very much like an insect about to be squashed)_ Err… Why are you looking at me like that? _(anxious)_ You won't … hurt me, will you? (_gulps_)

**

* * *

-Meanwhile, in the mind of Raesa, two distinct entities battle for dominance. Alas, the score so far is: visitors – 1; home team – 0. Things are _not_ looking good. (warning: reader discretion advised, extreme stupidity ahead; exposure may result in permanent brain damage)- ****

* * *

**

**Raesa**: _(moans in desperation_) Why is this happening to me?

**Feebleminded Raesa**: _(watches Salvanas adoringly_) Oh, my love! To look at you is to lose all semblance of reason.

**Raesa**: (_snorts_) Like you had any of that to begin with. (_mimics her insipid twin_) 'Look at all the pretty colors. Uhhh…' (_growls_) It's a FIREBALL genius! You are supposed to move!

**Feebleminded Raesa:** (_hears some sort of background noise: annoying, but ultimately easy to ignore; after all, there **are** other matters that demand her undivided attention, such as answering that ultimate question, 'is Salvanas a natural blonde', in intimate detail - the narrator gags_) Oh love! My heart is yours, as it has been, ever since our first fateful encounter. _(sighs and melts in a true cheesy romance novel manner)_

**Raesa**: (_groans_) You mean, that one time when I dropped him head first into the Copper Coronet's outhouse? (_considers_) Not exactly what I call fateful, but memorable nonetheless. (_glares daggers at Salvanas and thinks back wistfully_) The color of dung becomes him.

**Feebleminded Raesa**: (_some of this finally registers, and she_ _frowns, angry_) Who is this that disparages my husband's good name? (_shakes imaginary finger at Raesa_) Quiet! Let me bask. (_attempts to think_) What was I doing? (_attempt unsuccessful_)

**Raesa**: (_in a sing-song voice_) Why, pondering on the way to end world hunger in three easy to follow steps, what else? Ugh! Is this hell? (_resigned_) It is, isn't it?

**Feebleminded Raesa**: _(recovers and continues to ogle Salvanas)_ Such presence you have, my love, both in body and spirit. I see you, standing tall and fierce; a true giant among men. _( in the real world, Salvanas yelps pitifully, as Jaheira drags him along by the ear)_

**Raesa**: _(shouts)_ Tall and fierce! Giant among men? (_cries_) This is Salvanas we are talking about, woman. S a l v a n a s. Can you not comprehend that?

**Feebleminded Raesa**: (_ignores Raesa and_ _gushes_) One day, all men will know of your reckless courage and be humbled by it. ( _the narrator tries to suspend her disbelief_) Salvanas The Brave they will call you, and the world will tremble at the mere mention of your name. (_um... no -_ _Salvanas now drops to his knees before the druid and bawls like a big baby_)

**Raesa**: _(rolls eyes)_ The world will tremble? Before Salvanas? Salvanas, _a complete waste of space, ask me how_, D'Ryas? **_That_** Salvanas?

**Feebleminded Raesa**: And to think I will be there, standing by your side, my love. As your dutiful wife. _(beams happily)_

**Raesa**: (_shudders at the horrid prospect_) Are you insane? (_pauses_) What am I saying? Of course you are insane. You got me engaged to **_Salvanas_**!

**Feebleminded Raesa**: No one will keep us apart now. (_flutters eyelashes insipidly at her fiancé, who does not return the endearing gesture, presumably because of his preoccupation with the small matter of making a desperate getaway_) I know you would move heaven and earth for the sake of our love. (_Anomen tackles Salvanas before he can reach the door; more bawling ensues_)

**Raesa**: (_desperately_) Did I piss off any gods recently? (_muses_) Err… Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective. Are there any gods I haven't pissed off lately? (_thinks a moment and then drops head in defeat_) I'm doomed.

**Feebleminded Raesa**: (_excitedly_) I can't wait until our wedding night! (_blushes_) We will truly be one then.

**Raesa**: (_gags_) Ugh! Over my dead body! (_feverishly wishes she could pray for godly intervention, but, as they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty_)

**

* * *

**

**-In the world of Minsc, things are seemingly looking up. Boo is finally awake and ready to dispense advice in exchange for crackers. Lots of them. Alas, Minsc ate them all (emergency supply included) in a nervous fit, while Boo was busy getting his beauty sleep. Needless to say, the hamster is now indeed cranky. -**

**

* * *

**

**Boo: **(_mutters to himself irritably and ignores the Ranger_)

**Minsc: **_(searches his backpack for any remaining crackers in a near frenzy_) Empty! Oh, what have I done? Boo, do not be angry with Minsc. Minsc said he was sorry.

**Boo**: Squeak! (_loosely_ _translated as: 'saying you're sorry doesn't bring back the crackers, buddy'_)

**Minsc:** Woe is Minsc! Tis' a sad day to rival the saddest days of all time when Boo will not forgive his Minsc for a thing so small. (_wails_) Oh, where is the justice?

**Boo: **_(quietly) _Squeak._ (translates as:'!#!#!')_

**Minsc**: (_jumps to his feet and brandishes a huge sword determinedly_) Minsc will buy new crackers for Boo! And if there are no crackers, or nuts and berries to be found in this little town, he will scour the land and bring back the finest hamster food the world has to offer. (_bellows_) On this, Minsc swears!

**Lilracor**: (_speaks up - and how we wish he didn't_) YEEEAAAAHH! That's what I'm talking about! A killing spree! I'll burn and pillage my way through the Sword Coast! I'll… _(Minsc glares at the sword_) What? Oh, fine. **_We_**'ll burn and pillage **_our_** way through the Sword Coast, **we**'ll terrorize and behead every villager…

**Minsc**: (_interrupts_) For shame, Larry! These are not the things of goodness you speak of.

**Lilracor**: So? Who cares about 'goodness'? I like killing. Makes me tingle all over. (_pauses and then jumps in Minsc's hand excitedly_) Come on, come on, come on… Let's go kill something, now! Anything!

**Minsc**: (_gives a_ _disapproving shake of the head_) Beware, Larry! This is not what heroes do. We may tear the most evil of evil villains apart merrily on the field of battle, but only because all that is goodness and justice cries out for it. And when justice calls, Minsc and Boo answer with sword and a swift kick in the evil! Ha, ha! (_stops to scowl at Lilracor_) But butt-kicking tiny villagers, who do not even reach up to Minsc's shoulders, is **_not _**what we heroes do. Right, Boo?

**Boo: **_(forgets himself_) Squeak!

**Minsc**: (_beams_ _happily_) Most glorious day! Boo has forgiven Minsc! All is right with the world once more. Hamsters and rangers, rejoice!

**Boo**: (_does a huge eye roll - well, for a hamster, anyway_)

**Lilracor**: (_continuing_) Villagers, nobles, tiny, huge, thin, fat… Who cares? I'll make them all bleed! Woohoo! Cooome oon… You know you want to!

**Minsc: **This behavior can not continue! Repent your evil ways and tell Minsc you are sorry! Then all will be forgiven. If not, face the might of hamster justice!

**Lilracor**: Ooohh! There! Get the kid! (_one of the smaller tavern guests is understandably freaked by the exchange and leaves the inn hurriedly_) Noooo! You let him get away! Get them all before they run, too! (_in a few seconds_, _the space occupied by Minsc, Boo and Larry is left conspicuously empty_) Darn!

**Minsc**: Minsc is appalled! You have crossed the line that can not be crossed! How can this be? Minsc cannot stand in the company of those who would hurt small children! Oh, evil day! Larry is no longer a sword of goodness. (_hangs head_) Now, as all who would do evil, PREPARE FOR THE BOOT OF MINSC, AS IT CONNECTS WITH YOUR BACKSIDE! (_realizes Lillacor is, in fact, a sword, and swords seldom have backsides, but recovers swiftly_) No matter! Even if the evil doesn't have a backside to speak of, Minsc and Boo will find a way! GO FOR THE EYES BOO! GO FOR THE EYES! _(the fact that_ _Lilracor is a **sword **is, once again, blatantly ignored for the sake of dramatic tension_)

**Boo: **(_huffs_) Squeak! _(in the secret miniature giant space hamster language: 'you're on your own, buddy')_

**Lilracor: **Yeah! That's the stuff! (_glances around_) Kill… Wait. Who are we attacking? Where are they? Where are they hiding?

**Minsc: **Such villainy!You are no longer the sword of Minsc.

**Lillacor**: (_to Minsc_) Hey! Baldy! What are you doing? (_Minsc puts the sword over his knee and starts to pull_)

**Minsc**: Minsc is sorry he has to do this, but Larry gave him no other choice. (_sniffs a little_) Goodbye Larry! Minsc will miss who you were, before you fell deep into the clutches of the most sinister evil. Minsc and Boo will remember you! (_the sword begins to bend_)

**Lilracor**: Minsc, buddy, old pal of mine… You don't want to do this! (_desperate_) I was messing with you! I'm as good as they come, really! (_attempts to look endearing, but since he is a **sword**, there is no visible effect what so ever_)

**Minsc**: (_looks unconvinced, but stops bending the sword_) You wouldn't be trying to deceive Minsc, Larry? If there is one thing besides mustache twirling villains that Minsc can not stand, it is cheaters and liars. No one cheats Minsc, I tell you and if they try, they are in for a boot-stomping adjustment to their moral value system! (_frowns_) Did Minsc have this conversation before? No matter. It is as true now, as it was then!

**Lilracor:** Buddy, would I lie to you? I love the little monsters… err, I mean, kids to bits. Villagers too. Wouldn't hurt them for the world. Cross my heart and hope to die! (_whispers_) Buy it, buy it, buy it… I'm way too young to die. I didn't sow my wild oats yet.

**Minsc: **(_considers_) I am not sure…

**Lillacor: **Buddy? Friend? Pal? Come on… Don't keep me guessing here. I'm looking forward to some quality time in the scabbard. (_whispers_) Please, let it be in one piece…

**Minsc**: (_laughs heartily, as he comes to a decision_) Ha, ha! You should not worry Minsc so, even in jest. But all is well now that we are together again, Minsc and Boo and Larry, united in the great battle against evildoers everywhere. (_brandishes the sword again_) All that is evil, tremble! Heroes are reunited!

**Boo**: (_sighs_)

**Lillacor**: YEEAAHHH! Kill, kill, kill! (_pauses_) I mean, evil beware! Goodness…fluffy kittens… And stuff like that. (_mutters_) Man, this sucks.

**

* * *

**

**- Meanwhile, Edwin is enjoying his fourth luxurious bath in a row, when his decadent ways are, again, rudely thwarted by a lack of basic sanitary supplies. Such as five different types of bath oils. Everybody needs _those_. Edwin is understandably miffed. -**

**

* * *

**

**Edwin: **_(lounges lazily in a king size bath_) Bath attendant! (Where is the useless baboon hiding now?) You call this soap? I would not dream of touching my immaculate skin with this bar of filth. (Oh, the poor quality of service I have to suffer.) Bring me something more suitable for a wizard of my standing. Snap to it! More lavender oil is required, also... And do not be so stringy with it this time! (Like he would need it. If water was able to somehow dissolve the protective layer of dirt that surrounds him, highly unlikely as that is, he would surely die due to sudden exposure to the elements.) And bring more freshly picked rose petals for the bath while you are at it.

**Commoner who shall remain nameless**: (_huddles in the corner, terrified and refuses to budge_)

**Edwin**: (_exasperated_) Peasant! I gave you an order. (This communication with the lower classes is more difficult then I imagined. In Thay, the slaves at least have enough brain power to be able to understand simple commands. Clearly, this is not the case here.) (_releases a theatric sigh_) So, I see we must resort to more drastic measures. (_clears throat_) Pathetic whelp! You have exactly ten seconds to bring me the things I asked for and to start groveling at my feet. If not, by second twelve, you should start wondering why your spine seems to be dissolving. (There, that should do it.) One… Two…

**Commoner who shall remain nameless**: (_yelps and falls all over himself to satisfy Edwin's every desire… in a highly non sexual way_)

**Edwin**: Better, better… You know, you could make a serviceable minion one day. (Of course, that day is so far in the future, even I am not likely to see it.) (_leans back and relaxes_) What to do now? Three more hours to nightfall… (Oh, sweet bliss.) What to do to war off boredom? (_suddenly glances at the poor bath attendant who now whishes he had listened to his dear departed mother and became a garbage disposal specialist while he had the chance_)

**Commoner who shall remain nameless**: (_trembling_) Yes? (_corrects himself hurriedly_ _at Edwin's glare_) Yes, oh, masterful mage? Is there aught else I can do for you?

**Edwin**: Why yes, there is. In fact, I'm glad you asked. (_smirks_) Grovel.

**Commoner who shall remain nameless**: (_confused_) What?

**Edwin**: I did command you to grovel at my feet, did I not? (The question is obviously rhetorical. I detest having to repeat myself.) You may start at any time. (_pauses_) And by that, I mean now. (_the tips of his fingers start glowing, charged with magic_)

**Commoner who shall remain nameless**: (_choosing the better part of valor, he instantly_ _drops to his knees and grovels away_)

**Edwin**: (_shakes head_) No, no, no… This is not the way one does it at all. (Honestly, the bald tattooed wonder could have done it with more flare.) For one thing, your forehead did not even touch the tiles once. (Shoddy, just shoddy.) And this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Where are the lavished expressions of praise? Do you not understand what _'grovel'_ means? My superior appearance, lineage and general manliness should have been the topic of conversation. (Or, rather, monologue.) Instead, I get to listen to your whimpering pleas for mercy? (No, no… This will not do at all.)

**Imoen**: (_interrupts_) Well, well, well. What do we have here? A Red Wizard of Thay in all his naked glory? (_to the bath attendant_) Drop a towel on him or something before I fall into a deep swoon. Or before he does. (_glances around_) Are there mirrors around here?

**Edwin**: _(screams in a strangely girly voice_) Ah! (_covers himself best he can under the circumstances_) What are you doing here, tailless she-monkey! How did you get in here? I sealed all the doors myself. (Perhaps she broke through my enchantments? Impossible!)

**Imoen:** (_with a_ _cheeky grin_) A thief never reveals her trade secrets. You know, because they wouldn't be **_secrets_** anymore? (_waves at the bath attendant_) Hi there! You can get up now. Let Eddie's imaginary minions grovel at his feet for a spell. Oh, and draw me a nice bath as well. I'll take some of Edwin's bath oils. (_considers_) And the rose petals there seem nice.

**Edwin**: (_bristles_) You will do no such thing!

**Imoen**: (_winks_) Sure he will! Or I'll just have to stand here as I am. (_starts undressing before a horrified Edwin_) What do you think?

**Edwin**: (_shouts_) Peasant! You heard the girl. Draw her a bath, quickly! ( Don't look. Don't look.)

**Imoen**: Relax Eddie, I'm not here to ogle you. And I'm sure **_I_** have nothing you haven't seen before. (_chuckles_) I mean, on yourself.

**Edwin**: Impudent girl! Avert your eyes from my form. I am not some spectacle to be gawked at by the unwashed masses. (Though, with such a specimen of physical perfection, who can blame them?)

**Imoen**: (_lovers herself into the bath and sighs in contentment_) Physical perfection, sure. Whatever you say Eddie. Say, throw me the lavender bath oil. Smells great.

**Edwin**: (_aims at her head with the previously discarded bar of soap, but misses the intended target so that it plops into her bath instead_) That's all you're getting, pink haired freak of nature. It should suit your style. Poor of taste, crass and inelegant. (Bah! Now I'm flattering her. Next, I'll be buying her flowers.)

**Imoen**: (_is too busy preparing a prank spell, inspired by her sister's current condition, to answer_)

**Edwin**: At last, some peace and quiet. Do not disturb me girl, I need to prepare for tonight. (Yes, yes, think of that. Not of… No, it's to revolting to contemplate.)

**Imoen**: (_finished with her preparations, she turns to Edwin_) Oh, Eddie… I have something for you. (_unexpectedly stands up and starts to chant_)

**Edwin**: (_not even noticing the chanting part_) Who… what? (_eyes bulge comically_)

**Anomen**: (_suddenly bursts in, from the common room, looking worn and exhausted, Jaheira close behind him; we see that, indeed, Raesa is **still** busy ogling Salvanas_) Imoen! We need your… (_trails off, as he notices Imoen's lack of clothing_)

**Imoen**: (_startled, she takes an involuntary step back and slips on the bar of soap Edwin threw at her; as a result, she mispronounces the last word of her spell_) Ouch! (_she falls down into the bath, the water breaking her fall_)

**

* * *

-The party watches, as Imoen's spell hits Raesa with enough force to knock both her and the chair over. Again, something has gone horribly wrong.- ****

* * *

**

**Imoen:** Uh, oh…

* * *

Next time:

**Chapter 4**

**- Interlude -**

Author's notes:

Wow, that was long! Well, I changed the concept a little, but the story just got away from me. Don't worry, you'll get the 'un-gasping' concubines bit soon. It's mostly written already, so when it gets finished and posted depends entirely on the feedback I get from you readers. (cackles evilly) Review away! Pretty please.

I edited this chapter somewhat, so feel free to reread it.


	4. Interlude

**Interlude **

**

* * *

Subtitle: **

**"An unfortunate case of mistaken identity." **

**Standard disclaimer: **

_Imoen voiceover: _

_This is **not** my fault, I tell you… (points at Edwin) He made me do it! (shrugs sheepishly) Not buying it, huh? Like you're so perfect. (scowls and grumbles) Don't I have the right to remain silent? (runs for cover) I said I was sorry! _

**Thank you.**

**

* * *

**

**-The party is, again, confused by the disturbing events that continue to unfold at an alarming rate. Though, at this point, no one is overly surprised.-**

* * *

**Jaheira: **_(produces a long-suffering sigh) _Is there no end to this foolishness? (_to Edwin, who is now, to the horror of all, standing upright in his bath_) Sit down, wizard. I implore you.

**Anomen**: (_makes the grave mistake of glancing in Edwin's direction_) Gah! My eyes! By the gods, cover yourself man! No one needs to see _that_! (_runs to Raesa_) My lady!

**Jaheira: **(_raises an eyebrow_) Indeed. (_Edwin quickly lowers himself into the bath, a string of colorful Thavian curse words streaming from his mouth_) But, we must remember that we are all nature's creatures, Edwin included. And this, as distasteful as it is, is merely his most natural state.

**Edwin**: (_with dripping sarcasm_) Why, thank you, druid. I am simply _ecstatic_ that you approve of my bathing habits.

**Jaheira**: (_shakes head_) Silvanus, why do you try your servant so? (_goes after Anomen_)

**Imoen**: (_tries to recall the mispronounced word of her spell_) It will be fine, it will be fine. Breathe. Just so long as it's not… (_remembers_) Oh, no. No!

**Edwin**: (_exasperated_) Can I not bathe _once_ without these incessant interruptions! Are even the most basic of common courtesies truly too much to ask for? (Why, oh, why do I continue to travel with these inbred barbarians?)

**Commoner who shall remain nameless**: (_glances at the damage_) That will be fifty gold-pieces for the door and twenty for the chair. (_inconspicuously __edges closer to the door – what's left of it, in any case_)

**Imoen**: (_visibly_ _shaken_) It can't be. (_grabs her robes and quickly follows the others_)

**Edwin**: (_misunderstands_) Quite right. (_scowls at the commoner_) It should be closer to five coppers for the lot. (_sighs_) My share of the party treasure has a higher purpose then to serve as some sort of mundane payment for broken furniture of an, undoubtedly, questionable quality. (_the narrator interjects: __cough must-use-ill-gotten-gains-to-purchase-scores-of-gasping-concubines cough_) A Red Wizard of Thay, seen reimbursing a commoner? (Humph! Unlikely.) (_shouts after the peasant_) Go extort our illustrious leader. She has coins to spare. (The one and only reason why I put up with her.) Dark hair, bound, gagged, currently possessing a mind not fit to rival even the most mentally challenged of dung-beetles… Even one of your intellectual capacities can't miss her.

**

* * *

-Back in the common room- ****

* * *

**

**Anomen**: (_unties Raesa, mindfull of any injury_) Are you well? (_concerned_) My lady, do you require my healing skills?

**Jaheira**: (_helping Raesa to her feet_) Are you all right, child? (_impatient_) Speak!

**Sarevok**: (_dryly_) Removing the gag from her mouth might facilitate a faster reply.

**-**

**-Imoen**: (_with an audible_ _gulp_) Please, don't. No good can come of it.-

**-**

**Jaheira**: (_glares at Sarevok_) How very droll. I was not aware that you dabbled as an entertainer. Perhaps you could put this newly discovered bardic talent to good use when we stop at the next inn, and _earn_ a meal for a change. (_removes the gag_) However, this is no time for petty bickering.

**Raesa: **_(is unresponsive at first and just looks into the distance, eyes glazed and unfocused) _

**Minsc**: What has happened? Little Raesa? (_scratches his head thoughtfully_) Minsc is confused. What can we heroes do to help? Boo?

**Lilracor**: (_mutters_) What do you need that flee-bitten hamster for? I'll tell you what to do. Kill, kill, kill! (_the party is shocked at the sword's behavior... not_) Just point me in the right direction, buddy, and I'll do the rest. Woo-hoo!

**Minsc**: Larry! For shame! (_indignant_) Boo is not flee-bitten! Look at the way his fur shines, even after a week of not bathing. (_whispers_) Ever since Boo was taken from his Minsc by a most eviiil boy, he has been inexplicably afraid of water. Fountains in particular. It is most strange. And not conductive to bathing opportunities.

**Lilracor**: Whatever. (_cue imaginary_ _eye-roll_) I could be shinier, you know, if you just remembered to clean me every now and then. Spit and polish, baldy. Spit and polish. (_in an accusatory tone_) Is that so hard to remember? (_now_ fully _expressing its manically bi-polar personality, the sword suddenly beams_ _excitedly_) Come on, come on, come on! He's out-dated, I tell you! Space hamster, big deal! I'm a _talking_ sword. Talking! I'm way cooler!

**Minsc: **_(resolute_) No one can replace Boo, except Boo himself. I am certain I have said this before.

**Lilracor**: (_whines_) Spoil sport.

**Anomen**: (_exasperated_) Helm, have mercy! Quiet, the both of you! (_gently_) My lady?

**Raesa**: (_straightens suddenly and looks him in the eye_) Wait… (_a huge smile gradually appears on her face_) Yes! The simpering simpleton is gone! Gone! I'm free! (_jumps up and down_) Gods and goddesses! You have _no_ idea what I went through.

**Anomen**: (_almost staggers with relief_) You are yourself again! Praise Helm! I had begun to despair of ever seeing you sane again.

**Jaheira**: (_releases a breath she was holding_) It was about time. (_nods_) Welcome back, child.

**Anomen**: (_cautiously making sure that the ordeal is, indeed, over_) Do you know now who I am, Raesa?

**Raesa**: (_unfortunately, it appears that our protagonist has done something quite hideous in a past life_) Of course I know who you are, you dimwit. (_rolls eyes_) I'm not likely to forget _you_, now am I? And since when do you praise Helm for anything? (_her voice takes on a strangely…edgy quality, one not usually associated with Anomen)_

**Anomen: **(_confused_) What?

**Raesa: **_(scoffs) _Oh, come on. You can drop the fake concern. It must have been all fun and games for you, seeing me like this. Well, I hope you stored these images for later reflection, because this is not likely to happen again. (_shudders_) Ever. Jaheira, make sure you memorize 'resist magic' every time we rest, from now on.

**Anomen: **But, my lady…

**Raesa**: (_interrupts_) Are you mocking him again? Knock it off, I'm warning you.

**Jaheira**: (_suddenly wary_) Child, what are you saying?

**Minsc**: (_now even_ _more confused_) Err… Boo? Could you explain this to Minsc? (_no answer_) … Larry?

**-**

**-Imoen**: (_whispers_) Could the ground open right now, and swallow me whole? Pretty please...-

**-**

**Sarevok**: (_smirks_) Trouble in paradise, I see. I suppose this is a sight better then the sickening display we were forced to endure before. (_to Raesa_) Under the circumstances, it's tolerable to have you back.

**Raesa**: (_raises eyebrow_) Such a warm welcome. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous. (_the general party reaction can be accurately described as: 'Huh!'_) Now, where is that Salvanas? (_frowns_) I have a neck to wring.

**Sarevok**: What? (_frowns right back_) What did you say?

**Raesa: **(_in a matter-a-fact manner_) I'm going to beat the ever-living daylights out of Salvanas. I didn't think you would object.

**Sarevok**: (_looking uncertain_) Before that.

**-**

**-Imoen**: (_sighs_) Ground. Open. Any time now would be nice.-

**-**

**Raesa**: (_gives him a disturbingly intimate smile_) You heard me. I think you're jealous. Though, I can't guess why. I _was_ under a spell. A _very_ disturbing and creepy spell. (_advances on him_)

**Sarevok**: (_scowls, but stands his ground_) By the fires of the Abyss, what is wrong with you now, woman?

**Raesa**: (_laughs and crosses the distance between them_) Nothing that a little one-on-one time can't fix. (_the general party reaction is now far, far beyond a simple utterance of: 'HUH!' – regardless of capitalization, and multiple uses of both exclamation and question marks_) Come here. (_forces him down on a chair, and suddenly straddles him) _

**Sarevok:**_ ( is too shocked to offer resistance of any kind_)

**The party**: (_there is no way known to man to describe this degree of collective horror_)

**Anomen: **(_gives it a valiant try_) Tis a nightmare. A terrible nightmare. It simply has to be. (_gaping in horrified fascination_) There can be no other explanation.

**-**

**-Imoen**: (_desperately_) I am so dead when she comes to her senses. (_winces at the sight_)-

**-**

**Minsc: **(_frowning_) Minsc does not understand. Is Raesa preparing to butt-kick Sarevok? If that is so, then why is she doing it in such a strange manner? No matter! He must be back to his villainous ways! (_now completely baffled_) But, why are their faces pressed so close together? This is not the way one battles evil villains!

**Sarevok**: (_appropriately disturbed_) What do you think you're doing? Get off me, fool. (_his feeble protests are promptly halted by a very passionate, very freak-worthy kiss_)

**Minsc: **(_eyes impossibly wide_) This cannot be! Minsc cannot be seeing what he thinks he is seeing. He refuses to believe it! (_pleadingly_) Boo? Could the evil man simply be choking on some really-tough-to-chew beef-jerky? Is Raesa attempting to revive him? (_cue Jaheira's exasperated look_) What? If it happened to Minsc, it can happen to anyone!

**-**

**-Imoen**: (_swallows heavily_) I think I'm going to be violently ill.-

**-**

**Anomen**: (_frantic_) Somebody pinch me, quickly! I seem to be unable to wake up.

**Jaheira**: (_averting her eyes_) I suspect more then a simple pinch will be required to set **_this_** right.

**Anomen**: (_desperately_) Punch me, then. Knock me unconscious, I beg of you. Anything to be rid of this hideous sight!

**Jaheira**: And doom myself to sorting out this mess on my own in the process? I think not. (_glares at Imoen_) You are somehow responsible for this sudden burst of unnatural behavior, are you not? What did you do, child?

**Imoen**: (_quickly_) Nothing! (_relents under Jaheira's death stare_) Almost nothing. (_quietly_) It was supposed to be a prank.

**Anomen**: (_shouts_) A prank! You have the gall to call this a **_prank_**? Look at what your sister is doing! (_Sarevok, finally, pushes Raesa away_)

**Sarevok**: (_wipes at his mouth_) That was… (_struggles to find the words_) Unexpected. (_to this day, this utterance is considered by many to be the_ _understatement of the century_)

**Raesa**: (_is, for some reason, annoyed at **his** behavior_) Hey! What the hell is wrong with _you_? (_turns to face the rest of the party_) And you people! (_frustrated_) One would think you never saw me kiss Anomen before.

**The party**: _Anomen!_

**Sarevok: **(_insulted_)** _What_**?

**Anomen: **My lady, that is…

**Raesa: **Oh, give it a rest, Sarevok!

**The party**: _Sarevok!_

**Anomen: **(_insulted and confused_)** _What_**?

**-**

**-Imoen**: (_sheepishly_) I suppose it could be worse… (_thinks_) Though, I don't see how.-

**-**

**Edwin**: (_emerges from the bath area, thankfully fully dressed_) Did I miss anything of importance? (Unlikely.) (_blinks_) What?

**

* * *

-The commoner, blissfully unaware of the magnitude of this disaster, speaks up. Poor, poor man.-

* * *

**

**Commoner who shall remain nameless**: (_hesitant_) Is this a good time to discuss the manner of payment?

**The party**: (_an assortment of full-out death glares converges on the unsuspecting peasant_)

**Commoner who shall remain nameless: **(_pales rapidly_) Eek! (_makes a shaky retreat_) Perhaps, it would be better to discuss this at some later time. (_runs away, never to be seen again_)

* * *

Next time:

**Chapter 5**

**(In which the party gets severely sidetracked by trivial matters. The concubines enter the story at long last… alas, in a rather anticlimactic way. Edwin rejoices out of principle. In the aftermath, Minsc and Boo plan a bold rescue attempt. Somehow, Elminister becomes involved.)**

_Author's notes:_

I decided the next chapter was too long to be posted in one go, so I divided it up. Hope I didn't freak you guys out _too_ much. ;) Tell me what you think: Creepy or funny? 'fingers crossed'

I do have an older concept I can get back to, if this is too much.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 **

**(In which the party gets severely sidetracked by trivial matters. The concubines enter the story at long last… alas, in a rather anticlimactic way. Edwin rejoices out of principle. In the aftermath, Minsc and Boo plan a bold rescue attempt. Somehow, Elminister becomes involved.)**

**

* * *

**

**Subtitle**:

"You are _who_, again?"

Guest appearance by: 

_Elmnister the Sage (Also known as: "Mystra's glorified boy-toy") _

**Standard** **disclaimer**:

Irenicus voiceover:

_(watches the before-mentioned events unfold- in surround sound) _To think that I am rotting away in the lowest level of the Abyss because of these inbred fools! (_squints_ _due_ _to bad signal reception_) By the eternal fires, what is she doing now? (_gasp_) This is unbearable! I am lodging a formal complaint with the Baatorian legal department. We'll see how she deals with them! Burning coals and whips included. (_rubs hands in a sinister, but nevertheless emotionless manner_) Now, back to work. The details of my new and improved plan of world domination are still in need of fine-tuning. (_frowns as he looks for his notes_) By the fires of the Abyss! The plan has been burned to a crisp. _Again_. (_cue emotionless_ _sigh_) Back to the drawing board.

Demogorgon (The Ponce… Ow!… The _Prince_ of Demons): MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

-Brought to you by the BNTTV (Baatorian Never-ending Torment Television)-

**Thank you. **

**

* * *

****-Meanwhile, the party is shocked and appalled… but all is not lost. Salvanas can be heard in the distance, hitting on another barmaid. The barmaid hits back. Literally. The party draws comfort from the knowledge that some things, at least, have returned to their natural state. - ****

* * *

**

**Salvanas**: Ow! (_faints like the girly-man that he is_)

**The barmaid**: (_huffs_) Serves you right, girly-man.

**

* * *

-Back to our original programming.-**

**

* * *

**

**Imoen: **Oh, no. No! (_continues to mutter inarticulately_)

**Edwin**: Let us see. A wayward spell, a Bhaalspawn, (_shoots Imoen a look_) an incompetent, would-be mage… Yes, we have all the prerequisites for a disaster of epic scope. How thrilling.

**Raesa**: Put a sock in it, Edwin. (_frowning_) Would you stop staring at me? (_suddenly_ _worried_) I didn't get a tattoo that says 'Property of Salvanas' anywhere on me, did I? (_gives_ _herself_ _the_ _once_-_over_ _and_ _shudders_) That spell is _evil_.

**The** **party**: (_nod_ _heads vigorously_)

**Edwin**: (Hmm… Fascinating. They have mastered the cruder nuances of sign language. Excellent! Finally, they can be put to good use.) (_thinks_) (The circus in Athatla is in need of an additional attraction, perhaps? I could be persuaded to provide reasonable payment for the extra cages required.)

**Raesa**: Whew! No tattoo. That's a relief. (_notices_ _that_ _the_ _party does not seem relieved at all_) Fine. What's going on? Anyone care to enlighten me? (_to_ _Sarevok_) Anomen?

**The** **party**: (_once_ _again_) _Anomen_!

**Edwin**: (Sir 'Polish till it shines'?)

**Raesa**: (_exasperated_) Is there an echo in here? Yes, Anomen! What is wrong with you people?

**Sarevok**: (_still_ _dazed_) An apt question. Now, direct it elsewhere.

**Imoen**: (_backing_ _away_) I'm gonna go and be… away. Yes, away is good. Far, far away. (_runs into one_ _of the back-rooms and slams the door shut behind her_)

**Jaheira**: (_yells after her_) Imoen! You will come back here this very instant and take responsibility for this, girl. Or, by Silvanus, I will drag you back here by the ears! (_throws_ _her_ _hands_ _up_ _in_ _frustration_) Oh, what is the use? This entire day has been nothing short of cursed. Perhaps it would be best if I just rendered her unconscious and hoped this wears out by morning. (_gives the idea some serious consideration_)

**Raesa**: (_looking towards the back-room in confusion_) You want to knock Imoen out? All right. (_sighs_) What did she do now? Did I miss something?

**Minsc**: (_bellows_) No one will knock little Imoen out! Not while Minsc still draws breath! I will not allow it!

**Jaheira**: Calm yourself, Minsc. I assure you, no one wishes any harm to come to Imoen. (_thinks_) Any _serious_ harm, that is.

**Minsc**: This is good. Minsc would hate to have to butt-kick fellow allies of goodness.

**Jaheira**: (_glances at the back-room_) Truly admirable, Minsc. At this moment, I am sorely tempted.

**Anomen**: (_fuming_) As am I. That girl brings chaos where 'ere she goes. (_sighs_ _wearily_) Helm, give me strength! I know not how much more of this insanity I can take.

**Sarevok**: (_sneers_) Yes, prey to your deity, priest. It is what you do best. Leave the thinking to your betters.

**Anomen**: You? You would deem yourself my 'better'? I will not stand here and be insulted by your ilk. Not after what I just saw.

**Raesa**: (_to herself_) These insults somehow seem strangely inverted. (_pauses_) Was my temporary bout of insanity catching?

**Edwin**: (_off-hand_) It could be worse. (_to Anomen_) Imagine, you could be the one mistaken for a pompous, self-important, arrogant wind-bag. (_tilts_ _his head to the side slowly_) Wait. You _are_ the pompous, self-important, arrogant wind-bag. I stand corrected.

**Anomen**: You would presume to lecture _me_ about arrogance? You, whose very breath exudes it?

**Edwin: **That is not arrogance, merely a statement of fact. I am vastly superior to any of you simpletons. Count yourself as fortunate that I do not require daily worship and ritual sacrifice as payment of my invaluable services. (Hmm… Perhaps my contract is in need of revising.)

**Anomen**: (_through clenched teeth_) No more! Not another word from you, wizard!

**Raesa**: People? (_at the moment_, _everyone is ignoring her_) Something is very wrong here. (_vaguely worried_)

**Anomen**: (_to Sarevok_) Jest if you will, abomination. I will not bandy idle words with you, while our leader is in desperate need of aid. (_in_ _a_ _dangerously_ _low_ _voice_) We will settle this later. That, I promise you.

**Raesa**: There is nothing wrong with me! You, I'm not so sure of. (_stops_) Wait a minute. _Abomination_? _You_ are calling _Anomen_ an abomination?

**Anomen** **and** **Sarevok** (to Raesa – Sarevok and Anomen): (_continue to exchange pointed barbs – violence seems imminent_)

**Raesa**: (_starts to seriously doubt her leadership skills_) Am I invisible?

**Edwin**: (_has now gathered barely enough interest to bother asking_) All right. (_with_ _a long-suffering sigh_) How exactly did you brainless monkeys manage to get into this horrifying mess? Can I not leave you unsupervised even for a moment? (Honestly, they will want me to oversee their personal grooming next.) (_shudders_) (No.)

**Jaheira**: Be silent, Edwin! I am sure you have nothing of substance to contribute to this discussion. Your _colorful_ commentary will not be required. (_thinks_) In fact, it never is.

**Edwin**: So this is a discussion, is it? Harper wench, you and I must have radically different views on what constitutes a discussion. None, but those hard of hearing and entirely devoid of sense, would call this a discussion. A simian screaming match, on the other hand, would be an appropriate description. (And I am taking part in it. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.)

**Raesa**: Um… Could someone explain? (_rather_ _desperately_) Am I the only one sane here?

**Minsc**: (_excitedly_) Did you hear that Boo? We are to take part in a glorious screaming match. Minsc will surely win! All shall know the might that is Minsc's battle cry! Victory will be ours and we will use our deserved winnings to further the cause of goodness! Evil will flee before the sound of our footsteps, cowering in tiny, miniature mouse holes. (_considers_) Yes, yes. You are right, Boo. Evil already cowers in our wake. (_resolutely_) Evil villains shall use even tinier mouse holes to tremble and quiver in!

**Edwin**: (_shakes_ _head_) Every time when I think that the Rashemeni mountain cannot get any more intellectually challenged, he proves me wrong. (I would look a genius among any group, but these fools make it entirely too easy.) In any case, druid, our leader is still one short of a full deck. (More so then usual.)

**Raesa: **(_indignant_) Hey!

**Minsc**: Challenge? (_perplexed_) Who would dare challenge Minsc? The warrior you speak of must possess great prowess.

**Edwin**: (_sighs_) And he does it again. Why am I not surprised?

**Jaheira**: You are well aware of where the exit is. Leave, if you are so bothered by the company you keep. I assure you, you will not be missed. Just make sure the door connects with the appropriate part of your anatomy on the way out.

**Raesa: **Is anyone listening to me?

**The** **party**: (_the_ _pointless bickering continues_)

**Raesa**: (_fumes silently_)

**The party**: (_yet more bickering ensues_)

**Raesa**: That does it!

**

* * *

**

-**Suddenly, all hell breaks loose**. **Claws, fangs, scales… The usual. The party, understandably, goes: Aaaaa! The innkeeper lets out a girlish squeal and faints promptly.** –**

* * *

**

**Raesa**: (_turns back into human form_) Why people call _me_ the leader of this sorry band, I'll never know. Honestly! The lengths I have to go to, just to get a word in edgewise. _(to herself_) On the other hand, I'm finally starting to get the hang of this. (_clears throat_) All right. What is going on here? I'm warning you, this better be good.

**The** **party**: (_yell at her simultaneously, with the exception of Sarevok - who looks to be gloating_)

**Raesa**: Stop! (_grates her teeth_) People! One at the time. I'm limiting the conversation topic to one: your insane behavior and what caused it. (_considers_) You can berate me for mine later. (_she puts an affectionate arm around Sarevok, who freezes at the contact – a deer in headlights look about him_) Sorry about that, love. (_the party cringes, Anomen staggers_)

**Sarevok: **(_notices Anomen's distress and_ _takes the time to_ _briefly sneer at him_) Think nothing of it. (_tries to disentangle himself hurriedly – Raesa releases him, but remains close, one hand resting loosely on his shoulder_)

**Anomen**: (_fumes_) Oh, we will settle this. Soon.

**Jaheira**: (_too_ _shaken to notice any of the above-mentioned _) What were you thinking, child? Have we not spoken of the dangers… (_off_ _Raesa's warning look_) Very well. You are still under some kind of enchantment, so I will not hold this one incident against you. But, rest assured, we _will_ discus this later. Raesa... (_attempts to break the news to her gently_) We think the spell you fell victim to has altered your perception somehow… (_cannot make herself say it_)

**Raesa**: Um…you're stating the painfully obvious here, Jaheira. Please, don't remind me. (_cringes_) I was _this_ close to becoming 'The Bride of Salvanas'. (_shudders_) If that's not a true tale of horror, I don't know what is. (_looks around worriedly_) Volo isn't somewhere around here, is he? I really don't want this incident documented for posterity.

**Jaheira**: I assure you, none do. (_cringes_)

**Anomen: **(_glaring daggers at Sarevok_) Raesa…

**Raesa**: (_interrupts him_) Wait a minute. 'Spell I'm under?' What do you mean by that? I'm not under any spell. (_thinks_) That I know of.

**Edwin**: It is to be expected. (The weak of mind are always unaware of such things.)

**Raesa**: 'Weak of mind?' Do you want to rephrase that, Edwin? (_gives him the death-stare of the century_)

**Edwin**: I was speaking in general terms. (Better not to provoke her while she's in such a volatile state. Yes. Will insult her later.)

**Jaheira**: (_gives her and Sarevok the once-over_) You seem awfully comfortable there, Anchev. I suggest you move, lest I do it for you.

**Raesa**: (_frowns_) Jaheira?

**Sarevok**: I stand where I want, woman.

**Raesa**: (_hand on forehead_) I'm to worn-out to bother figuring any of this out. I'm going to bed. (_takes Sarevok's hand_) Lets go upstairs. (_the party pales, Sarevok bolts_)

**Sarevok, Anomen and Jaheira**: (_simultaneously_) NOOOOO!

**Minsc**: (_confused_) Minsc is confused.

**Edwin**: (This is getting interesting. In an odd sort of way.)

**Raesa**: (_exasperated_) What is it now!

**Jaheira**: Child, you do not know what it is you are doing.

**Raesa**: (_shouts_) Well, explain it to me!

**Anomen**: (_gives it a try_) My lady, I do not know how to say this…

**Edwin**: Oh, stop trying. By the time you find a way to articulate yourself, I will be an old man. (Though, still a devastatingly handsome one.) (_clears throat_) How to put this in terms even you can grasp? Hmm... Ah, yes! Listen carefully! Obviously, you are under the influence of a spell, one that has made you lose whatever little semblance of intelligence you originally had. But, on the bright side, the change is hardly noticeable.

**Raesa**: (_growls_) Wizard…

**Edwin**: Yes, yes. The point. I am getting to it. Aside from the before-mentioned side-affects, there is also the trivial matter of the identity switch.

**Raesa**: And what identity switch would that be, exactly?

**Edwin**: Observe. (_the king of subtle stands beside Anomen_) _This_ is Sarevok, yes? (_at Raesa's nod,_ _he_ _points to Sarevok_) _That_ is Anomen, correct?

**Raesa**: (_narrows eyes_) Get to the point, Edwin. Five words or less.

**Edwin**: (Very well.) (_counts_) Now. Switch. Them. Around. (mutters) Simian.

**Raesa**: That's it! (_tries to strangle Edwin, but Minsc pulls her off of him before she can do any serious damage_)

**Edwin**: (_indignant_) Oh, why do I bother? Sort out your own messes! Edwin Odesseiron is done with you! Consider our contract terminated! (At last, I am free to engage in pursuits more suited for a mage of my stature.) (_cue in nightfall_)

**The** **concubines**: (_in a booming megaphone voice_) May we have your attention, please! Hot, steaming concubines here! Come and get them! Concubines for hire! Will gasp for coin! Preferred clientele of a demi-god persuasion! Concubines for hire!

**Edwin**: (_thinks_) An appalling lack of finesse. I wonder who thought of such a crude form of advertising. (But, I must admit, it is an effective one.) (_beams_) Concubines! Out of my way, peasants! (_gold coins clink again_)

**Minsc**: (_remembers_) Wait, evil wizard! Minsc and Boo have something to tell you!

**Boo**: Squeak!

**Edwin**: Whatever it is, I am sure it can wait. (Approximately a millennium or so.) In any case, I am no longer obligated to listen to your insane ramblings. (Article five, subsection D, and paragraph nine of my accursed contract. Why, oh why did I suggest it?)

**Minsc**: (_oblivious_) Minsc will protect you! The evil vamp…

**Edwin**: (Indignity after indignity) I have no need of your questionable protection, you enfeebled Rashemeni baboon! Go bother the Bhaalspawn, and leave your betters to conduct their business.

**Minsc**: But…

**Edwin**: (_growls_) I will fireball you if you say another word, you brainless heap of muscle. Farewell! (If I never see him again, it will be too soon.) (_leaves to engage in quote-'highly intellectual pursuits'-unquote_)

**

* * *

**

******-Minsc is left alone, puzzled by the wizard's rudeness. Minutes pass. After an hour or so… -****

* * *

**

**Minsc**: (_turns to his most trusted advisor_) Oh, what should Minsc do now?

**Lillacor**: You're asking me? How the hell should I know? I'm just a sword! (_thinks_) Well, since you asked… (_in a strangely calm tone of voice_) I've always found a meaningful, open discussion to be the only way to bridge differences between fellow warriors. Violence is always the last resort.

**Minsc and Boo**: (_a stunned silence follows_)

**Lillacor**: (_laughs maniacally_) Man, what a pile of horse-dung! That's what my previous owner used to say... before he was chopped to bits by a stinking kobold! Looosseer! Let's kill, kill, kill! Woo-hoo!

**Minsc**: (_shakes head_) That is a very nice story, Larry. Now, be quiet, while Boo and I talk.

**Lillacor**: Drat! Foiled again!

**Boo**: Squeak! ('W_hen will we finally be rid of this idiot-sword?_')

**Lillacor**: Hey! I heard that!

**Minsc**: There must be a way to solve this! (_hangs head_) But Minsc is not very good with puzzles, Boo. Especially those with many big words in them. (_at the hamster's nod, Minsc seeks the wise advice of his companions – who, unfortunately, have a puzzle of their own to work through_)

**Raesa**: (_Anomen has, apparently, finally articulated himself_) You people are insane! (_points at Sarevok_) _That_ is Anomen! You'd think I'd know my own lover when I see him.

**Anomen**: (_cringes_) My lady, please stop referring to him as your lover. I beg of you.

**Sarevok**: Yes, please stop.

**Raesa**: (_throws hands up_) I give up!

**Minsc**: (_taps her shoulder_) Little Raesa, Minsc and Boo have something to ask you.

**Raesa**: (_distractedly_) Not now, Minsc.

**Minsc**: Perhaps the nice druid will help…

**Jaheira**: (_interrupts_) Later! I have an emergency on my hands, can you not see that?

**Anomen**: (_frustrated_) Do not even think to pester me with your nonsense now!

**Minsc**: (_cries_) Woe is Minsc! Brushed aside by the most trusted of friends! (_after a moment of deep thought_) No matter! I can not stand by and watch a companion walk into the den of the undead alone. (_brandishes Lillacor_) Fear not, evil Red Wizard! Allies of goodness will come to your rescue! (_prepares to charge the back rooms_)

**Lillacor**: Oh, yeah! That's the stuff!

**Boo**: (_tiredly_) Squeak!

**Lillacor: **(_grumbles_) Spoil my fun, why don't you?Stupid, holier then thou, glorified nut-cracker…

**Minsc**: (_stops_) What is it, Boo? (_listens_) Yes, you are right. We need a plan. (_after a short pause_) Minsc will break the door in and crush vampire sculls indiscriminately! (_thinks_) Is this a good plan, Boo?

**Boo**: (_sigh_)

**

* * *

**

**- A strange shape suddenly appears in a cloud of smoke. Cue ominous music. It appears that some sort of teleportation magic has been used… Oh, never mind. It's just Elminister and his stinky pipe. End ominous music. Cough. –****

* * *

**

**Elminister**: Need you perhaps my assistance, good man? Verily, I will be glad to offer it. (_the narrator gags_)

**Minsc**: (_waves his hands around to clear the cloud of pipe-weed smoke that obscures his vision_) Look, Boo! It is the wise mage again… Though, where is the pointy hat? (_mage quickly produces said hat – though the narrator can't help but wonder about its previous location_) Oh, there it is! (_beams_) Wave to the wise mage, Boo!

**Boo**: (_gags as well, in a miniature giant space hamster sort of way_)

**Elminister**: (_makes a feeble attempt at a cover-up_) Who is this mage that you speak of? Why, I am nothing but a humble merchant, who makes his living traveling from town to town. Retsinimle (_editorial note_ - _snicker_) is the name, there can be no doubt about that.

**Raesa**: (_still_ _baffled_) Let me get this straight. That is Sarevok? (_points at, lo and behold, Sarevok_) I… (_spots the abominable mage_) Gods and goddesses! Just when I thought that this day couldn't get any worse. (_sigh_) Fine. What dire, yet annoyingly cryptic warning are you going to spew this time, Elminister? You might as well get it over with.

**Elminister**: (_upset_ _that his 'ingenious' cover has been blown_) I know not of whom you speak, child. As I have told your large friend, I am but a simple merchant and a traveler. I go by the name of Retsinimle.

**Raesa**: (_incredulous_) _Retsinimle_? Let me guess, you've finally run out of aliases?

**Elminister**: (_chews on the end of his pipe irritably_) It is my given name, I assure you.

**Raesa**: Right. I have to tell you, as far as aliases go, you have just scraped the bottom of the proverbial barrel.

**Elminister**: (_growing annoyed_) Are you aware that disparaging an honest man's good name is considered by most to be a sign of bad breeding?

**Raesa**: (_nonplused_) Most do find my breeding lacking, as you can imagine. Keeping that in mind, if you have nothing of importance to say, get lost.

**Jaheira**: Raesa! This is not the way to speak to your elders. (_whispers_) Elminister must have good reason to hide his identity so. Let us find what that reason is, at least, before you drive him off with your ill-chosen words.

**Raesa**: (_grumble_) Fine. You talk to the old wind-bag. (_mutters_) I mean, _Retsinimle_.

**Jaheira**: (_still whispering_) Honestly, Elminister, you could have chosen a better name.

**Elminister**: (_through clenched teeth_) I am but a simple merchant, I tell you.

**Jaheira**: As you say. (_gives an almost imperceptible nod_) What brings you here, honest merchant? (_more quietly_) Harper business, perhaps?

**Elminister**: (_sighs and finally gives up_) Nay, Jaheira. I am merely passing by. But, I must tell you, your mage friend is heading towards disaster as we speak.

**Jaheira**: Edwin? (_scoffs_) I assure you, he is no friend of mine. (_intrigued_) He is in danger, you say? How… unfortunate. (_smiles slowly_)

**Minsc**: We must rescue Edwin! It would not be heroic to abandon a companion in need. Minsc would never be able to raise his head high again!

**Raesa**: Well, technically, we are not obliged to come to his rescue. The small print of article seven, subsection B, paragraph one of his ridiculous contract clearly states…

**Minsc**: (_in a tone that brooks no argument_) There will be no abandoning of companions in need!

**Jaheira**: (_interjects_) Calmly, Minsc. We must discuss this further. We will rescue that obnoxious mage, you have my word... Later. (_gives Elminister a full-out, radiant smile_) So, Retsinimle, what is it exactly that you trade in?

**

* * *

**

**- We interrupt our regular programming to give you this important news bulletin. -**

* * *

**Edwin**: (_we see that he is_ _stuck in a dank, underground jail cell_) What is taking those morons so long? (Must I do everything myself?) HELP! (eyes suddenly grow wide) The contract! What if the illiterate she-monkey had actually managed to read the small print? Damn that article seven, subsection B, paragraph one! (What was I thinking?) HELP!

----------

Next time: 

**Chapter 6 **

**(In which we see how Edwin's attempt at bargaining went horribly wrong. But all is not lost, and Edwin succeeds in charming the pants of a gasping concubine. Alas, one of the male persuasion. The party enjoys a much-deserved steak diner. Sarevok and Anomen face an identity crisis.) **

Author's notes:

Sorry for not updating in a while. I hope this chapter makes up for it. :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**(In which we see how Edwin's attempt at bargaining went horribly wrong. But all is not lost, and Edwin succeeds in charming the pants off a gasping concubine. Sort of. Sarevok and Anomen face an identity crisis.)**

**

* * *

Subtitle:**

"_If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"_

**Featuring:**

_Elminster the Mage (also known as Retsnimle, the humble trader)_

_And_

_Lilarcor the Talking Sword (also known as Larry)_

**Standard disclaimer**:

_Lilracor voiceover_:

(_silence_) …. (_murmuring sounds are heard_) …. (_followed by coughing sounds_) …_What_?! (_Lilarcor sighs_) What do you want, now? (_whispering_) Ooooh, I get it… (_indignant_) So I can only talk when you tell me to. (_huffs_) Well, fine! I don't have your fancy edumecation, but I'm no dullard! I have things of importance to say. Intelligent, meaningful things… (_pauses_) So, I'm a bit on the dull side, now, but that's not my fault! Talk to the big lug that can't remember to sharpen me every once in a while. (_whines_) I have more nicks on me than a Rashemani Ranger's head…

_The narrator takes over_…

That will be all, _thank you_. (_to the audience_) We apologize for the inconvenience. Now to the actual disclaimer… (_clears throat_) No Red Wizards of Thay have been harmed during the production of this motion picture. An occasional ego has been bruised, however. The narrator bears no responsibility for any lingering psychological side-effects that may or may not affect the owner of the above-mentioned ego… Or for idiot swords that can't follow simple instructions.

**Thank you. **

**Lilracor**: Hey! I heard that!

**

* * *

- A few hours earlier… Edwin approaches a group of concubines (_chough_-bloodsuckers-_chough_), practically exuding confidence, preening in a way that would put an award winning peacock to shame. Surprisingly, the wenches don't seem all that interested and continue to wait for more suitable (god-like) clientele. Edwin is, of course, oblivious -****

* * *

**

**Edwin**: (_rubbing his hands in a disturbingly pimp-daddy-ish sort of way – the narrator is disillusioned_) Which one of you buxom young wenches shall be the first to sample the limitless charms of Edwin Odeisseron? (Careful, Edwin. That might start a stampede.) (_for some inexplicable reason, it doesn't_) It goes without saying that I am capable of handling more then merely one of you, but let us start off traditionally. (So to speak.)

**The concubines/bloodsuckers**: (_the tantalizing suggestion is met by a roaring bout of indifference_)

**Edwin**: (This is strange.) _(after a pause_) I see… You are undoubtedly intimidated by the famed prowess Thayvian males are said to exhibit in the bedchamber. (_cue in a seductive smile_) Though, I assure you, even such tales pale to insignificance when compared to the real thing. (_draws up to his full, proud height_) And this Thavyian male is as red-blooded as his cloak. (_gives himself the once-over_) (Curses! I knew that I forgot something.)

**The concubines/bloodsuckers**: (_yawn_)

**Edwin**: (_puzzled_) Hmm… They seem to have been struck speechless by the sight of my ruggedly manly, yet highly esthetically pleasing features. (Understandably so.) (_to the concubines_) There is no need for you young lovelies to start fighting over me. (_seemingly_, _Edwin's observation skills have been impaired – no doubt the consequence of diminished blood flow to the brain) _

**The concubines/bloodsuckers**: (_one of the concubines on the far left gasps… at a chipped finger-nail_)

**Edwin**: (_still oblivious_) Excellent! I see that we have our first candidate. Let me take a better look. (_looks her over, and frowns_) No, no… That will not do. (The nose on that one would make for an ideal bird-perch.) This will not do at all. (_this, unfortunate, statement finally gets the concubine's attention, who now looks ready to eviscerate Edwin using only his own spellbook and a very dull quill_)

**The head concubine/bloodsucker**: Go away! You are scaring away potential customers.

**Edwin**: (_gold coins clink again, louder_) I am a customer, wench. A paying one. And you would do well to show me some proper respect, before I lose my composure and do something unpleasant… Entirely by accident, of course. (At least where the authorities are concerned.) Obviously, you have no idea who you are addressing. If you did, you would know that it is you, not I, that should be paying for the pleasure of my company and for my incomparable services. (I have always been far too generous to those of lesser rank and breeding.)

**The head concubine/bloodsucker**: Put that gold away, man. You haven't enough to purchase our time.

**

* * *

-An indignant Edwin turns to leave… and possibly (make that probably) fireball the concubines from a safer distance (the gold thread on his tunic does not pay for itself)… when a collective _oooh!_ sound is heard. An unidentified Bhaalspawn Barbarian (known even to the casual observer by the ever-present, but hardly practical fur loin cloth) frowns at the extra attention. Uncomfortable with being eyed like a slab of meat (in more ways than one), he silently retreats to the bar. Edwin fumes (in a not so silent manner). - ****

* * *

**

**Edwin**: (_outraged_) You prefer _that_ to a Thayvian male of incomparable erotic skill?! A Red Wizard will not stand idly by and be insulted by your ilk. Farewell then! (Peasants.) (_prepares to make a grand exit_)

**The head concubine**: (_disinterested_) Yes, yes… do go away. (_the unnamed Bhaalspawn disappears into the back rooms; a collective awww! sound is heard_) Wait… (_head snaps up, eyes widen_) Did you say… wizard? A _Red_ Wizard of Thay? (_grabs Edwin's arm_)

**Edwin**: (_looks over his shoulder_) Is it not obvious, wench? But, I have no need or desire to explain myself to you further. (_looks to his arm and to the hand gripping it_) In the unlikely case that being cursed with an embarrassing intimate disease does not appeal to you, you will let go of me. Now.

**The head concubine**: (_takes a step back_) Forgive me, my lord. (_doing a 180 degrees turn in manner with considerable poise_) You have nothing to explain. (_bows deeply, displaying quite a bit of cleavage_) It is I that owes you an explanation of our foolish behavior. You see, the sisters (_gestures to the group of concubines standing behind her_) and I have been placed under strict scrutiny in the past, by the local temple and its priestess. She has made demands for our expulsion from the city. As that is impossible, now (_smiles_), we have received standing orders from the city guard that we are only to entertain the soldiers and Gromnir's troops.

**Edwin**: (_eyes narrow suspiciously_) And why should I care about this supposed narrowing of the circle of your clientele?

**The head concubine**: Allow me to make amends for my earlier, unforgivable behavior. The punishments for disobeying those orders are… severe. _(laying it on thick, now really milking her 20 charisma stats for all that they're worth_) However… (_gives Edwin a smoldering gaze_) I do believe that we could make an exception in this one case. For a wizard of such magnificent… physique, I can play the odds of not being discovered. And a Thayvian, no less. ( _after a meaningful pause_) We have heard the tales.

**Edwin**: (_his high wisdom stats engage in a battle of the ages with a significantly lower part of his anatomy_)

**The head concubine**: (_drawls_) And we are all willing to share.

**Edwin**: (_Edwin's brain leaks out of his ears and dribbles to a sticky puddle on the floor, waiting to be mopped up)_ Err… (Play this smoothly, Edwin.) Hmm… I could be persuaded to accompany you to a more private place, where we could discuss this in further detail. (Yes, that's it. Calm. Composed.)

**The head concubine**: (_smiles, revealing somewhat sharper than usual teeth_) I know just the place.

**

* * *

- In the present, the party is still plagued by the, now legendary, identity switch. Yes, the innkeeper has already given Volo an exclusive… from his _unique_ perspective… as a result, some facts have been altered. In _minor_, _insignificant_ ways. Really. Our heroes are as of yet blissfully unaware of this. – ****

* * *

**

**Sarevok**: (_at the end of his wits_) Will you let go of me, woman?

**Raesa**: (_forcibly dragging him to the nearby temple_) You'll thank me for this later.

**Anomen**: (_follows on her right_) Raesa! We told you what has happened, my lady. Why will you not believe what we say is true?

**Raesa**: What? That you are Anomen?

**Sarevok**: He _is_ Anomen, you fool.

**Raesa**: And now, I'm supposed to believe that you are Sarevok.

**Anomen**: (_still_ _hopeful - ah, the enthusiasm of youth_) That is correct.

**Raesa**: That's it! (_grabs Anomen's arm_) You're coming along. And after the temple priests take care of whatever Anomen is under, you and I are going to have _words_.

**

* * *

-The concubines have their way with Edwin… in an extremely dissatisfying way. – ****

* * *

**

**Edwin**: _(from inside a dank, underground prison cell_) What is the meaning of this?! Answer me! (I have been captured by vampires. How undignified.)

**The head concubine/bloodsucker**: (_consise and to the point_) We have need of a wizard. An Undead Hunter had taken our last one, before we killed her. (_nods to a pile of bones in the corner of Edwin's cell_). You will be turned so that you can serve our needs to the full.

**Edwin**: (_outraged_) Me? A vampire? Out of the question. (A ridiculous thought.) Perhaps you are unaware of this (you pissant undead louts), but I am a Red Wizard of Thay. A _red_ wizard. The said color matches my complexion perfectly, and, since I have no desire to undergo a wardrobe change at any time in the near future, I will have to pass on your kind offer. (Yes, that's it. Perfectly reasonable.) The pallor of a vampire would clash terribly with my chosen apparel. (Not to mention the glaring cliché.)

**The head concubine/bloodsucker**: (_frowns_) What? (_after a pause_) You have no say in the matter. Our need for a competent wizard is great – as are our resources. Perhaps this one morsel of information will further the acceptance of your fate. A thief has recently come into the possession of an enormously valuable spell-book, full of rare and powerful scrolls. We will aquire it - steps have been made to that effect. (_shakes head_) It is a shame that the wizard that possessed it cannot cast a spell to save his life. That spell-book will be given to you after your transformation, and after you have proven your loyalty to me.

**Edwin**: Rare scrolls, you say? (_forgetting all about his current predicament_) I must get my hands on that spell-book! It will be mine! (As I am the only wizard worthy of possessing it.)

**The head concubine/bloodsucker**: (_smiles_) We are in agreement, than?

**Edwin**: (_dazed_) Unlimited power at my fingertips…

**The head concubine/bloodsucker**: (_snaps_) Are we in agreement?

**Edwin**: Must I be constantly interrupted? (_sighs_) Very well. If you insist, I will answer your less than astute question. How to put this in simple, unoffending terms? (_pretends to think_) No. Not if you were the owner of the last existing scroll on Faerun. (_considers_) Well, perhaps if that were the case, I could be persuaded to take over the role of an advisor (And a still breathing one at that.)

**The head concubine/bloodsucker**: Fortunately for us then, your consent is not necessary. (_to the vampires behind her_) Search him for spell components. (_a shadowed figure steps forward eagerly form the rear, but is met with a decisive shake of the head_) Not _you_.

**Edwin**: I will not stand here and be searched like some common thug. (_indignant_) I demand satisfaction! (_after a pointed look from the concubines_) Err… perhaps not.

**

* * *

- Jaheira, Minsc and Elminster watch Reasa drag the two unwilling men into the temple, the door slamming shut behind her – ****

* * *

**

**Jaheira**: (_frustrated_) She will not listen to reason!

**Elminster**: (_in a soothing tone of voice_) Worry not, Jaheira. The effects of the spell will pass, in time. I would have helped, but your young charge seemed determined to… What was the expression? 'Gut me if I so much as breathed on her'?

**Jaheira**: (_apologetic_) She is young. And under a lot of strain.

**Elminster**: Tis true. I expected as much. (_serious_) The blood holds sway over her, too much so.

**Jaheira**: (_uncomfortable_) Some sway, yes. But she fights it. (_straightens_) And she will continue fighting it, I will make sure of it. We stand as one, to the end.

**Elminster**: (_thoughtful_) And if the balance of the Realms suffers as a result?

**Jaheira**: (_resolute_) It will not.

**Elminster**: (_nods after a thoughtful moment and continues to watch the temple door in silence_)

**Minsc**: (_after Boo's in-depth explanation_) Oooh! Minsc understands now. Sarevok is Anomen, and Anomen is Sarevok. (_stops_) But, why do they look the same?

**Boo**: (_sigh_)

**

* * *

- Back to Edwin's predicament – ****

* * *

**

**Edwin**: (_pacing the length of his cell_) Now that you've made sure that my undergarments concealed no spare spell components (as if I would risk breaking into a rash _there_), or any additional wands of power… (_raises eyebrow_) …of the conventional kind, I would like to pose a question that begs to be asked. Is all of this really necessary?! (_gestures to his general state of undress with shackled hands_) (The sheer indignity.)

**A random concubine/bloodsucker**: Quiet, wizard! You have no say here. Consider yourself fortunate that you can be of use to us, instead, and be grateful that you even posses your groveling life. For however short a time. (_walks away_)

**Edwin**: (_nonplused_) The Handmaiden of Lolth manual, "How to discipline the male worm: in ten easy to follow steps" is finally in distribution outside of the Underdark, I take it? Come to think of it, the slave quarters in Ust Natha do share some disturbing similarities with my new luxurious abode. (_with dripping sarcasm_) How thrilling.

**

* * *

- A cloaked figure quietly approaches Edwin's cell – ****

* * *

**

**Cloaked figure**: Pst. (_no response_) Pst!

**Edwin**: (_eyes narrow_) Oh, do go away! (_moves his arms, watching the chains sway_) For a man of my high station, this is most unbecoming. Disgraceful, actually. (_leans against the wall_) Where _are_ the idiots? Honestly, how long can formulating a rescue plan take? Especially one of the 'break door, kill anything that moves' variety. (How crude… but, right about now, appealing.) I will not be there to direct them, but no great mental acuity is required there. (Let us be thankful for small mercies.)

**Cloaked figure**: (_interrupting Edwin's dramatic monologue_) Pst! (_gestures frantically_)

**Edwin**: (_annoyed_) You are starting to grate on my nerves. (_sigh_) Let us try monosyllables, then. Go! (Simple instructions for simple minds… I should write these down for my memoirs.) (_no effect_) Hmm… Obviously, this is the time to resort to sign language. (_makes a rude gesture_)

**Cloaked figure**: (_comes even closer to the bars_)

**Edwin**: (_with air of supreme command – the effort to hide his very own 'wand of power' from prying eyes somewhat dilutes the overall effect_) Leave me, undead imbecile! (_hits the bars with the shackles_) Now, back to things of importance. It would be reasonable to assume that I am left to my own devices once more, and take it from there. (_removes hands from the aforementioned area to prevent any possiblity of misunderstanding_) My escape will be dazzlingly brilliant, naturally. A feat of such bold cunning, masterful deception and ingenious backstabbing that it will live on in song and legend for centuries to come. (It will have to be in dactylic hexameter, of course. Al the great epics are written in…)

**Cloaked figure**: (_risking life and limb, interrupts Edwin's thought processes once more_) Do you hear me? (_abandoning futile attempts at secrecy, stands in front of the cell_)

**Edwin**: Obviously, I am not getting through to you, wench. Let me venture a guess. You are so drawn to my masculine charms that your desire-hazed mind is unable to process even the simplest of commands?

**Cloaked figure**: (_words burst out_) I can keep up this pretense of indifference no longer. (_a dramatic pause follows; Edwin yawns_) Yes, I am drawn to you, wizard, against my will and my better judgment both. But there is no fighting what I feel. (_whispers_) I do… desire you.

**Edwin**: (_bored already_) And?

**Cloaked figure**: (_with a shaky sigh_) Your elusiveness will drive me to madness.

**Edwin**: (_disinterested_) The Asylum is particularly appealing this time of year… or so I hear. (Escape plan, escape plan…) (_after a moment of deep thought_) (I am drawing a blank, here.)

**Cloaked figure**: You have no other answer for me? Is there no hope that you might return my heart's desire? (_desperate_) None?

**Edwin**: (_not listening_) (Escape plan… First, to get rid of these.) (_rattles his chains – temporarily forgetting his meager strength stats, attempts to free himself using sheer physical force_) Ow!

**Cloaked figure**: (_gripping the bars_) Have you no mercy? Hold me but once. Let me tremble beneath your touch.

**Edwin**: (_still bored_) Yes, yes… All perfectly natural. (At least someone here's properly affected by my limitless charm and unparalleled physical allure.) Unfortunately, I would not consider copulating with the undead for all the gold in Calishman. A diviner would never stoop so low.

**Cloaked figure**: (_slumps down_) You find me repulsive, then.

**Edwin**: (_gentle as only he can be_) Quite. Go try your luck with a necromancer. They are not so picky when it comes to the pulse deprived. (Considering the smell that comes with the profession, they can't afford to be.)

**Cloaked figure**: (_cries_) You mock my desire?

**Edwin**: Is it not obvious? Though, 'ridicule' is the word I would use.

**Cloaked figure**: (_grave_) So be it, then. I am thankful that it is yet dark outside, lest I be tempted to greet the sun and escape this sting of your words. (_looks away_)

**Edwin**: (_ever so helpful_) Just go and greet an incoming fireball. Yaga-Shura's men provide those with annoying consistency. (Concentrate, Edwin. How to get this open?) Key, key… Where is the blasted key?

**Cloaked figure**: (_looks back_) Did you say… _key_? (_retrieves an item from the cloak pocket_) Something like this? (_dangles the object in front of a livid Edwin_) I lifted it from Veronica. (_pauses_) I _could_ be persuaded to give it to you. For a price.

**Edwin**: (_grinds teeth_) And what price would that be? (As if I do not know.)

**Cloaked figure**: A night in your arms and no more. I think it a fair trade.

**Edwin**: (I can see how you would.) Unlock the door, wench, and I will consider your petition. (_confidently_) I assure you, the charms of Edwin Odeisseron are well worth waiting for. (And you will wait a long, long time, if I have anything to say about it.)

**Cloaked figure**: A token of your affection is needed before I do anything of the sort. (_in a heated whisper_) A kiss, a caress…

**Edwin**: (_hurriedly_) A kiss would be acceptable. (Better nip that in the bud, before her imagination runs away with her.) Come closer, wench, and prepare to be overwhelmed by the erotic skill of Edwin Odeisseron. (Be it of the unwilling kind. Pucker up, Edwin, and think of Thay.)

**Cloaked figure**: (_leans in close_) Hold me.

**Edwin**: (I would rather snuggle up to Craspenar.) (_silenced by an ardent kiss, Edwin does not think of Thay, but of what? Let us take a peak into his thought processes_) (Categorizing the sensations… for the sake of scientific inquiry. Regular amounts of moisture, temperature bellow normal, but not unpleasantly so, slightly sharper teeth… do not panic… wait. Is that… Is that a…. A stubble?!) (_pushes the cloaked figure away_) What?!

**Cloaked figure**: (_breathless_) What's the matter?

**Edwin**: (_wipes at his mouth with his forearm_) This is impossible! It can not be. (Please, let her be a mere circus attraction.) (_sputtering_) You… you are no wench!

**Cloaked figure**: (_sheepish_) You figured that out, huh? (_throws back the hood of his cloak_) it is true, I am no wench. (_we see the dark, chiseled face of an undoubtedly male vampire… the stubble included_)

**Edwin**: (_a stunned silence follows_)

**

* * *

- A few seconds later… loud cursing is heard, echoing through the silence of the sewers – **

* * *

Next time:

**Chapter 7**

**(In which Edwin is faced with a moral dilemma, the Temple priestess attempts an exorcism… with a little encouragement from a persuasive, if somewhat violent, Bhaalspawn… and Imoen comforts a lost soul, with some interesting consequences)**


End file.
